the will of God.

there's a story in 1 Kings 13 about a Judean prophet who was told by God to deliver a message to the errant King Jeroboam. King Jeroboam was the one chosen by God to take away half of Israel from the descendants of King Solomon, due to King Solomon's sin.

the prophet was told by God specifically not to eat anything or go back the way he came. but one old prophet from Bethel urged the Judean prophet to go back with him to eat a meal and spend the night in his home. the Judean prophet refused, pointing out that God had told him not to have a meal in Israel or go back the way he came. but the old prophet claimed that an angel visited him and that he was told by God that it was ok for the Judean prophet to go and have a meal.
 

and so the Judean prophet went back to have a meal.

 
as they were having their meal, the old prophet cried out God's words of anger towards the disobedience of the prophet, and the declaration that because of the disobedience, the prophet will die and not be buried among his relatives.

so the old prophet saddled the Judean prophet on his donkey and sent him on his way. not a long way off, the Judean prophet was waylaid by a lion, but he wasn't eaten. the lion just stood there and didn't even eat the donkey. the old prophet heard about it, commented that "indeed God spoke through this man and His words would come true," (paraphrased). and gave the Judean prophet a burial in his own tomb, asking his sons to bury him with the Judean when he died later.

what i first thought upon reading was: "ay gago pala itong old prophet, did he set out to test the veracity of the Judean prophet's words by deliberately disobeying what God told the other and taking him in his own home, thereby risking the other's death, knowing that in the Old Testament, the punishment for a disobedient or lying prophet was death?!

but upon a reread, i thought that the old geezer must just be thinking about the welfare of the Judean prophet. prophets in their day bonded together and they were like a club of elites. they really took care of each other then. but upon a deeper examination of the chapter, there was one thing that God made clear in me: it is not about human compassion, or anything else that matters. it was what Gigi kept on reiterating to me: the will of God is foremost in everything. even Jesus did not heal everyone that came His way. He would only heal those God made Him heal.

but anyway. i realized that God's commands are not something to be trifled with. disobedience is death. ergo, i am in deep shit unless i turn from my sin and run to God. i'm only too lucky that God did not let me go and just kill me. this may be my last warning yet.

God just disciplines His own. pure and simple. i whined to Him, but God, i was looking for stuff that would say that you love me no matter what, that i'm still your daughter… He told me: "you're no longer a kid." pure, plain, simple. as gigi told me, we cannot make a mockery of God's holiness. He is pure and holy, and we shouldn't make light of that. we could not afford to kid around and be happy idiots mouthing God's love and not being aware of His discipline. Jesus is both Lion and Lamb. while He was a sacrifice for our sins, He is still our Judge. we cannot say that we truly love Him, if we do not obey His commands. He did say that somewhere in the New Testament.

in short, we cannot afford to compromise. stumble, we will inevitably. but to walk headlong into sin, like i'm doing, is a different story. as James MacDonald said in the podcast that really got me to want to repent (reminds me, i haven't yet!), compromise is something that makes a person slide slowly into a cesspit. at first, there is only a little compromising going on. but it goes on and on and on until you have dug a grave. and it's contagious too. it colors the whole of your life until you are so sapped of life that you are so spiritually pale that your spiritual skin must be gray already.

and so, that chapter, that podcast by James MacDonald, "Grace When I am Compromised", was a knock-knock in my head. my decision? get back up from my fall and walk on.

Lord, please take my hand. i cannot walk without You.